U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
