onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
