Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
