I looked at my own cervix.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
a search helicopter?!
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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