Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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