hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
