Houston, we have a squirter
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
