I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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