If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
