i permit you to call me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
