SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
