bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
