how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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