just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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