I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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