get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize