eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
