She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
