So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
We smell like vodka and hangover
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize