Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Pants are for mortals
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
