I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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