Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
