Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
At least make sure they are 18
Why
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
