I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
