Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
