i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
