dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
