I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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