So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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