she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
