just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
