I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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