well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize