Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
