Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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