What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
