How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
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