the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize