I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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