I just saw a hot homeless man
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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