Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
