Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
