There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
