she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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