mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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