I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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