How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
