so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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