life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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