Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
