Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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