Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
