her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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