Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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