i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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