Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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