Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
