I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
