the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
