I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
