Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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