Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The power of my boobs compel you
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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